Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
