I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
