yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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