I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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