I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
