If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
