my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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