My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize