Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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