Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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