someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
