Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
