1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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