Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
