i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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