I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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