He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
