I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
BRING THE BAGELS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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