Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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