Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
