Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think i have two assholes
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
