It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
