eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
