life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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