The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
