My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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