dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
