Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
