You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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