I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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