this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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