i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
