im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
