Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
