so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What a dumb baby whore.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
