I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
