In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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