help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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