i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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