he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
