He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
