Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
