I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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