who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with