i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize