I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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