well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
