Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
false alarm, still single
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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