forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
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You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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