The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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