My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
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I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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