I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
