I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize