you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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