I got chris browned last night
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
