No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't deserve a penis
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
