i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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